


the past holds much pain for both of us

by tablrcloth



Category: Star Wars: Jedi: Fallen Order (Video Game)
Genre: Adventures on Dathomir with the Boys, Angst, Asexual Cal Kestis, Banter, Force Visions, Gen, Nightsisters (Star Wars), Psychometry, cal and merrin bein bros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:47:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24917803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tablrcloth/pseuds/tablrcloth
Summary: On a trip back to Dathomir, Merrin tries to keep history hidden, but the past has a way of catching up with her.Or, Cal learns more about Merrin than she would like.
Relationships: Ambiguous or Implied Relationship(s), BD-1 & Cal Kestis, Cal Kestis & Merrin, Cere Junda & Cal Kestis, No Romantic Relationship(s)
Kudos: 43





	the past holds much pain for both of us

_This marks my third time coming here,_ Cal thought as he strapped his lightsaber to his belt and hopped off the ramp, dirt and rock crunching under his boots. He found himself squinting as he took in the bright, red landscape of Dathomir once more. Force, he hated it here.

But Merrin was missing something- something from her past she didn’t bring onto the ship, and now they’re back. He heard her footsteps on the walkway and turned to face her.

“How’s it feel to be back here?” he asked, clapping his hands together. She wore the same neutral expression as always, but her eyes were darting around their surroundings, taking it all in.

“Bad,” she answered bluntly. “I do not like Dathomir.” She shifted her stance, and Cal could sense her discomfort. BD-1 offered his own opinion from his residence on his back, and he chuckled.

“Then we’ll make this quick,” he said in return, beginning the trek to... wherever it was Merrin used to take up residence on the planet.

They walked mostly in silence, except for murmurs of “Watch out for that rock,” and, “This surface is slippery.” Hardly any creatures were about, and the Nightbrothers did not show their faces. The stillness was so much different compared to his other experiences on the deadly planet.

“Seeing a lot less spiders than usual,” Cal offered in a weak attempt at conversation as BD-1 scuttled ahead to scan a rock face.

“Yes, because you’re with me,” Merrin responded, looking at the walls of the tunnel surrounding them instead of him. BD-1 booped and jumped back onto Cal.

“Does your presence drive monsters away?”

“Sometimes,” she said darkly, “but not always. I would keep your guard up.”

Cal lapsed into silence, thinking briefly before asking, his words quick; “What did you come back here for?”

Merrin stared dead ahead, quiet for a long time before she began. “A dagger of my fellow Nightsister... Ilyana.” She seemed to consider something for a moment, before saying, “She was my.... I buried her along with the rest of my people.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, getting the underlying message. The little droid on his back trilled sadly.

“Once everyone was gone, it felt strange, staying in the fortress. But I couldn’t stay with the Nightbrothers, either. So I moved to the swamps. That is where we will be going.”

Cal nodded silently. He could understand having a place to live, so bright and so alive, only for it to be torn to the ground. Merrin’s Nightsister lair could not have been so different from the Jedi Temple; a haven that was desecrated by those who opposed them.

As they maneuvered outside of the rocky landscape toward the swamp below them, Cal said, “This isn’t the path I took before, when I came here.”

“As I recall, you fell down here,” Merrin responded dryly. He rolled his eyes at her.

“It wasn’t _my_ fault,” he clarified jokingly, “a Nightbrother threw a rock at me and the platform gave out from under me. I didn’t misstep. I never do that.”

“Never?” she said, and laughed as Cal stumbled on a rock embedded in the ground. “Okay, Cal Kestis. I believe you.”

He grinned at her, despite being embarrassed, and turned to face their route once more. “You know- I’m glad you came along with us.”  
  
“I am glad I joined you, too,” Merrin said, casting a glance his way.

Soon, their rocky surroundings became darker, with roots sprawling out of the ground, and Cal found himself suppressing a shiver when he saw bones at his feet instead of plants. BD-1 trilled as he kicked them aside, and he heard himself saying, “This place gives me the creeps.”

“Fwoo beep doo,” BD-1 affirmed, but Merrin spared them a glance and nothing more.

“I suppose it would be... creepy, to someone who does not know this place,” Merrin said, but when Cal looked at her, her posture was tense.

Electing to change the subject, he said, “What did you eat down here?” as they passed a cluster of mushrooms.

“The Nightbrothers only ate what meat they caught, but the Nightsisters were not so... uncivilized.” Merrin looked up at the Hydraatis hanging overhead. “Burra fish and Brula fruit were common, I suppose. Ancient recipes that you would not know.”

Cal nodded. “On Bracca, it was a lot of... bread.”

“Bread?”

“Yeah, for sandwiches, if you made more credits than the usual scrapper.”

“Is bread that crusty food Greez serves with his scazz steaks?”

“Yeah, but those are a specific kind, called rolls. Did you not have bread?”

“We had something like it, but not by the name of ‘bread’,” Merrin said. She nodded at a rock face, fire lichen crawling all over it. “That looks like something you would climb.”

“It looks like something we _have_ to climb,” Cal said doubtfully.

“Maybe for you,” she considered, smiling slightly. In a flash, green mist surrounded her and her form splintered into pieces before she appeared at the top. “Hello there, Jedi!” she joked, smirking at him from the high ground.

“Oh, so that’s how it is, huh?” he said, grinning as he took the vines in his hands and began to climb.

“I’ll be waiting,” she said, standing back.

Cal huffed, mock-annoyed as he continued to scale the wall. Once he reached the top, BD-1 released a series of victory beeps, and Merrin tilted her head at him, bewildered, before turning and continuing on their quest.

Cal began to jog to catch up with her, and he said, “It can’t be much farther, can it?”

“A few more minutes,” she said, but stopped when she realized Cal was no longer with her. She turned to see him kneeling down, his hand held to an object. She frowned, confused, but he soon opened his eyes and looked at her. “You and Ilyana came here, didn’t you?”

Merrin’s frown deepened. “Do not use your power to explore my past.”

Cal turned to BD-1, before looking up at her and standing. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s....” she trailed off, then spun around and stomped away. He took this as a sign to follow behind for a while. Whoops. _Shouldn’t have pissed her off,_ he thought.

When they finally reached their destination, Cal almost walked right past it, but Merrin seized his shoulder and turned him back around. She gestured to a crevice in the wall, a tiny slip that foreigners would not even notice. But as he further inspected it, he realized that a humanoid of average size could easily fit inside.

“In here,” she said shortly, and squeezed herself in, the darkness of the crevice swallowing her up. Cal followed after a moment of hesitation, grunting as he maneuvered through the corridor until it opened up into a small room. Light shined through cracks in the wall, and a broken lantern sat next to a bedroll. Merrin knelt down to light it, and the room brightened considerably. His eyes adjusting, he continued to glance around. It was a bland space, with a natural ledge built into a wall. A collection of pretty stones and pressed flowers were on top. Merrin made her way over to it, brushing aside a weird-looking root to uncover a simple dagger made of steel.

“This is all I came here for,” she said simply, picking it up and turning to exit the room without a second glance.

“Are you- are you sure?” Cal said doubtfully, looking around. “You don’t want to bring anything else?”

Merrin gazed at him, before looking at the ledge again. “I have no need to bring them.”

He walked to the counter, looking at all the items before picking up a rock with a swirling pattern.

“Don’t touch that-” Merrin began sharply, but the vision was drawing him in and he could no longer hear her.

_“Hey, Merrin,” a young girl, maybe 13, says brightly. They’re scouring the swamps for something, and they aren’t as bleak as Cal remembers. “I found something neat.”_

_"What is it?” he hears himself saying, and he approaches the girl, realizing that_ he’s _Merrin. She’s holding a shiny rock, the same one that Cal touched earlier, and she grins at it before looking up at him, her ponytail swinging behind her. “You should add it to your collection.”_

_“I like the swirls,” he says. “This was a good find, Ilyana. Thank you.” The girl blushes, and then she’s gone._

_The vision fades to black, then dark red, then opens up into a Dathomir cave that has its side exposed to the sky. Fire lichen and gold mushrooms cause the room to glow, and he’s laying next to Ilyana, their bodies pressed together._

_“I have to go out tomorrow,” she says. “What are you doing?”_

_“I’m not sure,” he says, then giggles. “I’m only sure of what to do when I’m with you.”_

_Ilyana turns her head in his direction, smiling. “That’s really sappy, Merrin.”_

_He clicks his fingers. “That’s it- I have to harvest Mushling sap... pods.”_

_“Ah-” Ilyana says, wrinkling her nose. “I’m sorry for you.”_

_He laughs, looking up at the stars and finding her hand in his own. “Don’t be.”_

_The cave disappears, and suddenly he’s in open air. It’s still night time, but there’s a fine layer of mist over the ground. He hears himself sobbing, and he wonders why-_

_Oh._

_He runs up to the body of Ilyana, her white face smeared with blood. He picks her up, cradling her in his arms._

_“Ilyana,” he chokes out, and cries harder, squeezing his eyes shut._

_It takes a while for his sobs to subside, but when he finally wipes his tears away and looks at her again, he sees that her eyes are still open._

_Shuddering, he reaches out with two fingers and closes them gently._

_Looking around, he finds the corpses of his sisters, all of them limp, their eyes glazed over._

_He’s all alone, now._

Cal opened his eyes, shocked. He spun to face Merrin, jaw falling open. “I’m sorry-” he began, but stopped when he saw the look of fury upon her face.

“I told you not to pry, didn’t I?” she fumed.

“I- I’m sorry, Merrin, I can’t control Force echos-”

She closed her eyes forcefully, inhaling deeply. Cal stilled, not wanting to piss her off more than he already had, and after a moment she opened her eyes and snatched the rock, along with a few others, off the ledge and whirled around, already exiting the room. He sighed, annoyed with himself, but his mind kept returning to the visions he saw. “I manage to mess up a whole lot of stuff, huh, BD?”

“Fwoo dee boo,” BD-1 responded.

“You don’t have to pressure yourself to cheer me up, BD. It’s my own fault. I have to make it up to her.” Cal stepped through the crevice, sliding through until he exited the rock completely. Merrin was nowhere in sight, but maybe he deserved that- he remembers the way back, anyway.

Without the Nightsister by his side, he encountered more bane back spiders than he would have liked. While passing a particularly gnarled Grave Thorn tree, the _Mantis_ entered his view. Exhaling a sigh of relief, his pace quickened into a jog.

He doesn’t see the Nightbrother when he rounds the corner.

He also doesn’t see the club that hits him in the temple, knocking him out cold.

When Cal finally came to, he realized two things.

For starters, he had a huge headache, and when he tried to bring his hands up to his head, he found them tied behind his back.

Panic replacing his better judgement, his eyes opened and immediately closed when the brightness of the sun sent a new wave of pain resounding around his brain. Feeling the wall behind him, he found it to be made of stone. Alright. He’s got a massive migraine, he’s tied up, and he’s in a rocky environment. From the vague glimpse of the landscape he got from the split second he opened his eyes, he knows he’s still on Dathomir. What the hell happened?

As it came back to him, he groaned slightly. How could he have been so stupid? The Nightbrothers were hardly affiliated with Merrin- of _course_ they were still going to be hostile to him when she was not.

Although she might be too, depending on what she thinks of him after he... admittedly pried into her private life.

Feeling his migraine lessening, he tried to sit up straighter and resolved to crack his eyes open the tiniest bit. When he wasn’t met with extreme head pain, he opened his eyes wider. He looked to be in a crude jail cell, and as he turned to inspect his handcuffs, he found them made of rope.

Alright. That’s cool. He’s being held by the Nightbrothers. No biggie.

Standing up slowly, he leaned on the wall, squinting outside. He recognized it- he’s imprisoned in the Nightbrother village. How was he supposed to escape _here,_ of all places?

Cal fumbled for his lightsaber, then realized- of _course_ he didn’t have it on him. But when he found his lightsaber was missing, he realized BD-1 wasn't there, either.

“Oh, Force,” he mumbled to himself, scrutinizing the village from his standpoint even more. He can’t see the little droid at all, nor his weapon, but he couldn’t risk calling out for his little buddy in case he alerted his captors.

He inspected his bonds again. The rope was knotted nicely, although...

Upon inspecting the ground, he sat down to balance a sharp rock between his knees. Holding his cuffs on top of the rock, he began to saw, slowly cutting away at his restraints.

Watching the rope begin to fray, he grinned, continuing to slowly break free.

Then, footsteps. Cal froze, then immediately leaned back against the wall in his original pose, pretending to still be out cold. He strained his ears, listening to the footsteps of the Nightbrother stop, a huff, and then footsteps again as the warrior continued on his way. He’s not sure what would happen to him once the Dathomirians realized he was awake, and he didn’t plan on sticking around long enough to find out.

Only after a few minutes did he deem it safe to continue cutting the rope. Cal opened his eyes, scanning the village again before setting the rope on the rock and sawing.

Finally, after so much rubbing his hands back and forth that they started to feel raw, he heard the _snap_ of his handcuffs. Kneading his left hand, he looked around his cell a final time. The door seemed like it needed a key to open, although...

He took the bars in his hands and wiggled the door slightly, in order to make as little noise as possible. The door didn’t budge. Maybe kicking it would move it, although that would be noisier....

Cal frowned and closed his eyes. _Think. What can you do to get out of here?_

He sat down and settled into his meditative stance, calming his mind and reaching out to the Force. He felt it, like a warm blanket upon his surroundings, and stretched his mind out like a hand, holding a piece of the Force like a precious relic.

Cal outstretched his hand to the door and pushed.

The clang of steel bars hitting rock was far louder than he would have liked, but he couldn’t focus on that right now. He immediately leaped up and sprinted out the door, running along a wooden platform. He heard the shout of a Nightbrother, and an arrow volley barely missed his head. Darting into a separate corridor, he dashed around different rooms, searching for his saber and his droid.

His searches fruitless, he stopped, frustrated, and closed his eyes, reaching out with the Force. He couldn’t sense BD-1, but his lightsaber...

 _It’s close,_ he thought excitedly, and ran out of the room.

This time, Cal sees the Nightbrother coming.

Ducking the swing from the club, he threw up his hands to intercept the next strike, feeling the rock hard wood of the handle against his clammy fingers. The Zabrak growled at him angrily. “You should not have come here, Jedi!” he shouted, and Cal released the club, running away.

He couldn’t deal with the Nightbrothers right now- he has to find his weapon, and fast.

Cal tried to remember which room he sensed his saber in, and reached out again. Feeling its pull, stronger this time, he ran into the correct room, and found it on a table, unguarded.

“Oh, this is a trap,” he said aloud, but nothing happened. Strange. He picked it up, and instead of immediately running out of the room, slowly walked to the door to peek around the corner.

 _There it is!_ Cal thought, mock-cheerfully as he watched the incoming Nightbrothers sprint towards him. He stepped out into the hallway, and with the ignition of his lightsaber, his confidence grew.

“Prepare to die, outsider!” one warrior shouted as he lunged at him, weapon raised. Cal fended him off, his lightsaber countering the club.

“Let me pass or I’ll strike you down,” he warned, but the Dathomirian continued to swing at him. Parry after parry was made, and the other Nightbrothers were shooting at him. He couldn’t hold them all off forever like this.

Cal swung his weapon into the side of the Nightbrother, effectively killing him, and began to block the ranged attackers, sending their own plasma bolts back at them

 _When did fighting these guys become so easy?_ He thought, just as a volley hit him in the shoulder. Yelping in pain, a hand flew up to cover his new wound, and he looked at the archers with newfound anger. “What the hell, guys?” he shouted, running up at them and beginning his assault.

Only when he stood in the hallway of corpses did he realize how much blood was actually covering him.

Inspecting his body for injuries, besides the wounded temple (which stopped bleeding long before he woke up) and the blasted shoulder, which continued to bleed sluggishly, it was nothing more than his standard bruises. He began to run through the corridors again, though this time somewhat slower, now searching for BD-1.

After fighting off more Nightbrothers and making his way back into the village, he found the droid among metal scraps on a table. Both human and droid cried out with relief upon seeing the other. “BD, I was so worried!” Cal said, hugging his companion, though careful not to crush him. “I’m sorry I couldn’t find you earlier, little buddy.” BD-1 released a series of beeps and whistles, and all Cal could do was exhale in relief.

“Let’s get out of here,” he said, the droid skittering onto his shoulder. After running down a particularly nondescript corridor, the shouts of the Nightbrothers faded into a dull noise. Hearing nothing but his feet hitting puddles on the floor and his own breathing, he slowed down to a jog, then finally stopped when he reached open air once more. Resting his hands on his knees, he inhaled and exhaled slowly, BD-1 beeping at him.

“Yeah, I’m okay, buddy, just tired.” BD-1 trilled, and Cal looked at him. “Yeah?” he said with a smile. “Okay, tell me a joke.”

BD-1 booped as Cal straightened to continue on their journey, and he said, “I don’t know, what?”

The little droid continued to whistle as they passed a Mushling, and he laughed. “Good one, BD.”

Their trip somewhat more peaceful than what it was twenty minutes ago, they only encounter a few more spiders and nothing more.

Upon hearing BD-1 say something about Nydaks, Cal shook his head. “We’ll be fine,” he said, and points once the Mantis enters their sights. “Look! We’re almost there. Once we’re back on the ship, I am showering _immediately._ I feel _very_ gross."

Then, BD-1 shrieks. Cal spun around and narrowly avoided the clawed hand coming down at his face.

“I see it, BD!” he shouted, the little droid hopping around on his back. He ignited his lightsaber and parried an attack from the wild beast. The Nydak roared and struck again, Cal swinging up his blade to meet it, but what he didn’t anticipate was the second attack to his ribs.

“AGH!” he yelped, and stumbled away, pressing an arm to his chest. The monster does nothing more than howl and lunge, but he doesn’t raise his weapon in time and it clocks him straight in the shoulder, the same one he received a plasma bolt to.

Cal screamed in pain, and this time parried another blow, then sent his saber straight through the creature. It died with little more than a wail, and its corpse landed at his feet.

“Might need a stim, little buddy,” he said, panting. BD-1 offered the canister with only a beep, and he said, “Yeah, I’ll be fine.” He turned, injecting it in his arm before continuing on their way.

The walk back to the Mantis was uneventful, which Cal was grateful for. He received more of a beatdown upon coming here than he anticipated, and once he crossed the rock bridge that led to the ramp, he saw Cere.

“Ah, hi,” he said, and she crossed her arms.

“Are you okay?” she asked, a newfound look of concern crossing her features as she gave him a once-over. He knows he probably looks like he got kicked repeatedly, which, to be fair, he was.

“I’m- I’ll be fine. Just need to rest up.”

“Is Merrin not with you?” Cere asked, frown deepening.

“She- She’s not here yet?” Cal asked, dread opening up in the pit of his stomach.

“I am now,” the Nightsister said, materializing out of green smoke. Her eyes glowed for a second, then were back to their normal brown. She looked at Cal, her face masked, then quickly turned to the ship, walking inside.

Cere looked at Cal, eyes widening slightly with the silent question of _“What happened?”_ But he wasn’t in the mood to give an answer, and silently turned to follow Merrin inside.

Merrin was already sitting on the couch, obviously refusing to look at him. Just so, he supposed. He kind of deserved it.

He walked up the stairs to his own room, sitting on the bed and taking off his poncho.

He doesn’t notice her in the doorway. When he finally extracts the poncho from where it was stuck on his head, he hears her say, “What happened between you two?”

“I accidentally touched an object that belonged to her and saw stuff I shouldn’t’ve,” Cal mumbled, turning away from Cere and removing his vest to treat his shoulder wound.

“So you split up?”

“I mean- I kind of- she disappeared on me and then I got imprisoned by the Nightbrothers-”

_“Sorry?”_

“I, um-” he pulled off the long sleeve shirt to reveal an undershirt, as well as a whole lot of bruising. “I got knocked out because I wasn’t paying attention and then I had to fight my way out of the village.”

Cere didn’t say anything for a long moment, long enough to make him wonder if he did anything wrong, but she finally said, “As long as you got out safe. You should make it up to her, though.”

“Yeah, I-”

“Soon,” she finished, and with a last look at him, turned and walks out.

“...Yup,” he mumbled, continuing to treat his wounds.

When he’s finally finished washing and bandaging his injuries, he walked out of his room to find the table set for dinner. Only Merrin is sitting down, fiddling with something underneath the table. He looked toward the kitchen and saw Greez bringing over food, with Cere finishing up last minute communications in the cockpit.

As Greez sets down the plates, he realizes what he made.

Scazz steaks with rolls.

“I put a little extra something in the meat, but if it tastes a little weird, don’t blame me,” their pilot said, sitting down and taking a portion, beginning to heavily salt it.

Cal sat down, waiting for Merrin before saying, “Hey, I- Sorry, Merrin.”

She didn’t look at him as she began to eat, and he took this as a sign to continue. “I’m sorry for prying, it wasn’t my intent, but... I still did it. I acted without thinking and caused you pain as a result.”

“Cal,” she said, but he pressed on. “I should have waited for your permission. It wasn’t my place.”

 _“Cal,”_ she said, this time more firmly. “You do not have to apologize.”

After a stunned moment of silence, he said, dumbfounded, “What?”

“It is not your fault you have- these echos,” she said. “And you are naturally curious, no? I do not blame you for... seeing where I have been.”

“Are you sure?” He asked quietly.

She offered him a tentative smile. “The past holds much pain for both of us. It is our responsibility to grow from it.”

As she turned back to her food, Cal stared at her lowered head. _Yeah,_ he thought. _Yeah, I suppose she’s right._

**Author's Note:**

> many things to say about this one
> 
> first up the tense is SO HORRIBLE some parts felt like they should be in present tense and some in past tense which is.... why they might be. the lord was testing me when i read some of these paragraphs with my own eyeballs. apologies if this was horribly inconsistent
> 
> also i thought this fic was gonna go in one direction (the slaughter of the nightsisters) not whatever merrin and ilyana were doing (being gay)
> 
> speaking of, merrin is canonically wlw and no one can take that from me. in game dialogue revealed that she was close to ilyana, often snuck out to the swamps with her, thought they would be together in the future, but ended up having to bury her with the others. i hold that near and dear to my heart.
> 
> also if any parts of this seem romantic, they arent supposed to be. cal and merrin are bros being buddies. my hc is that cal is ace and god can rip that from my cold dead hands
> 
> thanks for reading!! no idea what i'm gonna do next but i'm gonna pretend like i do


End file.
